When you close the door to the world and are left alone with your thoughts, there’s a little voice in your head that talks. No, sorry, I’m not talking about the spirit angel guide; I’m talking about the stories we end up telling ourselves, like trying something new or coming out of our comfort zone. You can either tell yourself that it was a total waste of your time or something enriching. I guess you decide because you are the person who holds power over your perspective, so you decide if something is good or bad.
Therefore, are you holding solid beliefs, or are you totally delusional? Only we decide in the end.
Personally, I had found that I used to criticise and judge myself all the time by telling myself that ‘something was a waste of time’ or beating myself up for not exceeding my expectations when just the act of taking action towards a goal on reflection was a big step in the right direction.
I have discovered that there is a balance which I gained from the Buddhist philosophy of being kind but firm. To be able to see your growth but also to see opportunities for improvement. Maybe set measurable goals, not sweat the small stuff and not focus on huge expectations.
In psychology, Carol Dweck wrote about two types of mindsets, the growth mindset and the fixed mindset. The first mindset includes continuous learning, getting better, pushing past your comfort zones progressively and being able to see opportunities that will be beneficial. The latter mindset creates a false sense of entitlement that everything and everyone is against you and that you should be given special treatment.
What I have learned about achievement from other successful people and my successes is that it requires quite a lot of patience. We don’t create a timeline and can’t leave it for fate. The process of ‘trying’ can take anywhere from one month to 5 years for results to appear; we don’t get to decide. Now we can learn from the past and try to duplicate what others have done, but it doesn’t mean the same results appear for you. Instead, it is vital to learn the existential philosophy that there will be a period of struggle, pain, discomfort, and frustration before the moment of joy finally arrives.
Careful what you wish for you might just get it
There is a Chinese proverb; you might get what you hadn’t anticipated. If only I got that dream career or that perfect partner, then all my problems would fade.
So what is the answer? Only one truth will determine your happiness: do you love the process, and if so, the result will be the cherry on the cake. The reward won’t feel any better if you hate the process. For example, doing a job, you hate just to get a large paycheck at the end of each month. You will not be any happier with a little extra money, especially in the long term anyway. However, if you love your job, then money is the by-product.
So what does this have to do with self-dialogue? Well, you will give yourself positive or negative self-talk in the process. I think a lot of emphases is placed on the end result, but it’s the process where all the magic happens; that is where the vast amount of personal growth occurs.
Anxiety forms a large part of negative self-dialogue, especially when we overthink certain things by making excuses or talking ourselves out of taking action due to fear. It’s, therefore, better to change beliefs, take small steps, form better habits and keep pushing past your comfort. It’s about allowing yourself to sit with anxiety and start to be comfortable. For example, going gym, doing job interviews, social settings, or even dating.
Self-talk can be challenged by forming awareness through meditation, writing it down in a journal or talking to someone you trust. The self-dialogue in our minds can be a best friend or our worst energy as it can steer us forward to try once more or fail altogether. In the end, as Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”