Monday morning, I came down the stairs to find a massive flood due to a pipe burst. A complete nightmare. A few days later, we called up a well-established flooring company, to call someone out to get a quote for fixtures and fitting. We were guaranteed a quote in 30minutes, it Sounds straightforward. It isn’t, so keep reading on.
The next day we get a knock on the door, and in walks what can only be described as a ‘nutjob’. So, a long story cut short, the guy’s name was Gary, and he was a pain in the ass. He ended staying 2 hours longer than expected. His body language was unprofessional, and once you gave him an inch, he went a mile. Every so often, he kept visiting his vehicle parked outside and was playing on his iPad whilst on the sofa. He was what the British call ‘taking the piss’.
He had taken advantage of my kindness; I could feel my heart racing, this could only be what is called the doormat syndrome. So, I spoke up with assertiveness. ‘Give me the quote NOW’! He got the message and became ratty with me. He eventually signed off the quote and asked for a home visit charge. He became argumentative and left. What should have taken 30minutes took an extra 2 hours.
The Dilemma
Most of the time, you want to be polite, friendly, kind, and respectable to others to keep the peace, as the philosophy of Taoism describes. But trying to fix something that is outside your control, like a flood, isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, so you want people to get the job done quickly. Not feed on your kindness. Contractionary, if you’re a cold and nasty person, then people still don’t get the job done. I was once told by a friend who worked in a fast-food chain, that his co-workers used to spit in the food of rude customers. Disgusting.
Most people are friendly, but every once in a while, you’ll get that one that just makes life harder. So, I think that taking on Confucius advice on being kind to all is vital, but it’s probably more essential to be assertive when necessary. The last thing you want is to be a pushover.
The Doormat Syndrome 101
Often the people that give, give, and give some more, but get no return, feel burned out. These people care more about what others think and are nicknamed ‘people pleasers’. They often seek validation and approval from people throughout their life’s.
Doormat Syndrome: don’t’ feel appreciated, they will say yes to everything, keep apologizing for things they didn’t do and spend time with people they don’t like. Even worse, they will avoid conflict and compromise their values to make others happy.
Antidote: Being Decisive, firm but fair, holding strong values, Saying No when necessary, being comfortable with conflict and being assertive, not aggressive. More importantly, accept that not everyone will like them and only hang out with the people that do matter.
We live in a world where there is a mix of cultures and personalities. Western culture tends to be overly nice, even if we can’t stand that person. We lack the value of honesty, although it can be harsh at times, it can also be refreshing and allow our values to stand for something.
However, being harsh as a stoic warlord by lacking kindness doesn’t do us any favours because we’ll start to put ourselves down and become stressed, this will cause more harm than good.
Maybe, it’s more about balancing kindness and assertiveness with other people to find the winning formula.